ok i have to write so i'm going to

because i don't understand this mess i'm going through

its weird and its crazy and at the least fucked up

you'd think 3 years or sixteen would be enough

but its been one and two and then twenty two

its too much and i'm done with it, with being its fool

so here i am on my new year's day

i'm hoping this past will somehow go away

but who knows how could i do anything different

i've been up and down and this is how it went

ridiculous and

the racing of my beating heart
isn't because its torn apart
its mostly that i'm allergic
to you, you just make me sick

my hands they tremble with disgust
with you I wouldn't want the weather to discuss
my stomache twisted with shock
the human race causes hearts to lock

its temporary that i'll be a bit hurt
i can't help it, i love wearing your shirt
but to let a lesser crush my fragility
would be against my morals and agility

then again, i'm human too
and so i'll admit that I loved you
i just don't have time for petty disdain
i don't have time for you to cause me pain

you've hurt me now and I cry my tears
you've confirmed my darkest fears
the fear that someone so special to this world
could let emotions and others foolishness unfurl

I know in years you'll see who you've wronged
i hope your existing guilt won't now be prolonged
because in all your an asshole now
someday you'll learn to love and how

you'll be as wonderful as you are meant to
you'll be solid, amazing and a leader through
you'll forget that being young made your head spin
you'll have a strong heart and you won't be spread thin

I hate that even in your darkest actions
full of purposeful hate and hurt
i still know and know you well
you'll be someone, with a story to tell

the end. i just really needed to feel better :) sigh

someday I'll get this off my mind
someday I'll get what I am to find
someday it'll drop and unwind
someday i won't be so blind
someday I'll get and give kind
someday I'll be out of this bind

someday the light will more than darkness shine
someday the stars and the sunsets will align
someday the inconceivable will be mine
someday I'll cross and not just walk the line
someday this disease will become benign
someday this will all become divine

someday the weight will turn from brick to feather
someday I'll find the place with warmer weather
someday i won't be another soul's debtor
someday the light, the gleam will shelve together
someday my heart won't be bound with chains and leather
someday the honey will heal the salted wounds to be better

someday.

someday the truth will fill my soul
someday the breath will release this black hole
someday the love will be enough
someday I'll be gentle and not need to be tough
someday the salt won't hurt these wounds
someday the scars will melt by the moons

someday your lips will drip with honey
someday instead of greed and shunning
someday you'll grow and encompass light
someday we'll give up a need to fight
someday we'll share a view of beauty
someday share peace in its entirety

someday the happiness behind her eyes
will show all truth beauty and no lies
someday she'll never have to hide
or keep her tears or joy inside
someday she'll tell you whispers of the wind
someday she, you and love will all begin.

.. but it will be a good day 'cause i'll wear my
new jeans, no shoes, hair crazy, tatoos...
live it up and let it out
gangsta thug gotta shout
its another day in tye dye may
call my friends gotta play
smoke your smoke n drink ur drink
give me time to stop n think
shit is real and its to feel
fuckin love this life so real

chillin down 'round my town
lookin out shit goes down
shinin from head to toe
all this glitter is real gold
not a copy like you've been told
i'm real to the bone
not some fuckin poser clone
walkin with my girls behind me
boys turnin to look and see
checkin out what they can't have
i turn tease smile and laugh
no shame this body's rockin
boys on the block flockin

Once I was an Avocado ---here is a story I wrote at the end of March 2011

Once I was an avocado. Vulnerable and I grew from a tree. Then if no one picked me I would drop my seed into the ground and grow another tree. But a man came along one day... and saw me and picked me. He saw my softened flesh and the scars of a weathered life. He did not mind the leeches that crawled in and out, the worms that left their mark. He only looked at me and did not say a word. I wondered but I knew no questions would be answered. He just carried me by his side almost forgotten in his hand. I looked ahead but could not see, I closed my eyes and felt at peace. My thoughts still raced and I knew what all this meant.. I had the knowledge but I did not have the understanding yet. But at peace, I knew I would in time, and so I waited. He carried me across the sand, barefoot and a tan man. We stopped as the darkness came, we sat outside a cave and he built a fire. He set me down next to him and he glanced at me when he thought I wasn't looking.. I saw him in his eyes. He took a knife and whistled. He carved a small piece of wood. He sang to me and smiled. I fell asleep. The sun came up and we continued on. In the middle of the day we stopped and saw three sticks on the sand. They were in the shape of an X with one horizontal through the middle. A black bird with an injured eye walked across our path. Beside the sticks there was a blue stone. He picked it up and we kept walking. The heat was heavy, thick and wet. His hand became sweaty on my skin. He never flinched or slowed down just kept walking now tossing the blue stone in the air. A few hours later he paused. Perhaps he was tired. He sat down and I saw sadness in his eyes. I saw his stories as I looked at him, so compassionate was his soul but so battered was his body by the people who should have loved him and supported him. He helped others, but in vain, they never knew, cared or noticed. A tear formed and rolled down his dry sunburned cheek. A girl walked in our direction. At first I could not see her with the sun glaring in my eyes, but immediately I felt fear. She knows and she will grind her salt into my wounds. She wore a gown of light blue and black. I felt the fear and I knew the worst of her, my skin dried up and my meat cringed from my skin. I was drained of life, becoming dry and tasteless. She told the man words he longed to hear, I feared what she could do tear out my soul and his together… tear out his soul and make him take mine too. My man did not waver from his path, she did darken his heart, but he knew, picked me up, brushed past her touch that looked so sweet, he knew, and did not need to look back, as he turned she disintegrated into salt. I felt like I was losing grip but it helped to know that my man was stronger than myself, for he carried me, and he I could trust. So once again, I was at peace as we went on our way. Three days passed and we walked. On the third day it was dusk and the man was thirsty but he did not drink. There was no water without salt and so he was better off not drinking at all. He squeezed the stone and his veins remained blue and healthy. He did not know this but he felt life flowing within him. He set me down in the shadow and protection of a rock. Once again we were outside a cave. He laid down on his back and rested his head on his arms. A voice spoke to him in his sleep. To him it was just a voice but his eyes were closed and he was asleep so he could not see the man. I watched, the man was old in his skin but very young within. He gave the man hope, fearlessness, and took the weight off his shoulders. He gave him wisdom, comfort, and safety. This man looked at me and did not speak. He dropped honey onto my soul. The honey melted the salt and healed my wounds and I felt no pain. It was morning the man felt light and we walked with more speed. He kept walking and never slowed. I watched the sand as we went on. Bones were scattered and he did not notice. All along our path I saw the skeletons of everyone and I knew them. Some had finished their lives and others had life taken before they were ready. He held the blue stone tight and his feet felt determination on the uneasy sand. We left the dryness of the sand and came upon trees and the sun shone through the leaves. The trees were good and rich and wet with syrup. They healed the man and whispered encouragement to his soul. He did not notice the new atmosphere, or the wind or the easiness of his breath. He breathed evenly and without trying. We kept walking and came to a valley. Ahead we could see the mountains of rock and water. The water was cold and thick and pure. He stood in the valley and looked all around him. Now aware of his surroundings he felt emotion and smiled, he held me tighter and gave me the hope he was given. He spoke to me for the first time. He told me we could swim in the water and it would carry us to the mountains. He told me we could walk and the ground would carry us also. I knew he was not ready for the turbulence of the water and asked him to remain on the steadiness of the grass. He listened and knew this would take more time but he knew it was the way. He began walking and knew it was still day but he stopped. He laid down in the grass, not weary but at peace and he wanted it to last. I could not rest but looked around as my man slept. I saw things and I listened. Everything spoke to me and I listened. As I listened I understood. Knowledge and understanding. I was going to lose this man for some time. But it had to be and although I felt sadness I was renewed. As the sun set he awoke. He was ready and continued walking with me in his left hand and his blue stone in his right. He held us both and looked straight ahead. He had given to me all that he could but he had to go his way and let me find mine. We were not the same but we understood. We crossed the valley and our first hill. He held me sweetly and told me words to last forever within me. I asked him what will happen to my seed and he said he did not know. But as he answered me we came to a field of honeysuckle. He said this field is rich and sweet in its soil and here I may plant my seed. Among the blossoms of sweet honey he said my richness and my oil would flourish and my seed would plant one tree and then another. And among all of my trees the honey would replenish my soul and run through my trees and then honey would sweeten my syrup. I knew the words he spoke and he said he must go and find his own honey and plant his own seed with his richness and his oil. I knew his life and I knew his soul and I knew all that he said. He walked carefully among the blossoms and they welcomed me and they were all at peace. He set me down in the north and the left of the field. He told me the sun shone the right amount in this spot and would watch over me and warm me. As he set me down I became the dust although not dust because I was rich with honey and oil. And my seed was planted and he walked away.

tye dye may 8 2011

its a tye-dye day
i'm going away
to paint away the day
on mothers day
cause i don't celebrate
my momma i don't hate
but she's not mine anymore
but i'm happy today i'm no whore
i even have a boyfriend but he never opens the door
little shit
little tye-dye shit of yellow orange and blue
can't wait for this day to follow through
i love it, its all mine, its all about me if i want
bob marley i love and its the sheriff not the deputy he shot
i love everything especially amber
she is the best just like the gem of amber
and its beauty with gleaming golden and rays of green
freckles of black and yellow to be seen
like his eyes with freckles too
ok i need to go and go do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay

May 2011

Hello,

My name is Wham-bam.
They call me that cause of my ghetto booty.

Every time
she walked
through the door
it went wham!
then shut closed, bam!

april 2011

Ok ok
I'm not running
all this is
starting not to be funny

fuck me, screw me over
I lose you win but you
lose your soul

fuck me, screw me over
I lose you win but you
lose your heart
no love can enter
the heart encased
with chains

so just be honest with me
loosen your chains
or don't
whatever you feel
as long as its real

4/27/11

I am what I am and that's
all that I know
I'm here I want to get better
I want to grow
I don't understand
sometimes I don't care
I want to hold a hand
alone, I feel so bare.

I cried today and am apathetic
my stomache hurts its so pathetic
I hate these feelings
I can't keep dealing
I know the truth of hopefulness
but reality today is I have less
less love, less people,
I am alone
I want someone
I want a home
a place to feel safe
I want away from the hate
my heart hurts
my stomach hurts
my soul is empty
for love and peace it yearns
thats all I want
happiness
a way out of this mess
I'm so alone
I'm so scared
I can't sleep alone
I can't be alone
the fear overwhelms me
my thoughts of release
comfort my soul
put me at peace
I dreamed of laying
with my last breath
releasing all my
life unkempt
I'm free, I'm at peace
alone, but not in this world
just me in the dirt, my bones.

4/22/11 a 4 part poem with the 4th part as a suicide letter

Part I

The wind it blows carrying peace
I feel the sting without release
I'm cold through to my blood and bones
regardless of the truth I am alone

The truth however reveals the lonesome soul
you can't idealize or prevent such a black hole
I want to be calm and let it all take its course
but I'm scared to move, screaming inside, becoming hoarse

I'm not finding the happy conclusion
I refuse to accept a false illusion
I know the time will get me through
I know there's more than a sad ocean's blue

Everyday I try to take a step forward
letting go, coming through, and toward
the beauty the peace the serenity and beyond
the ecstasy beyond happiness to love and bond

P.S. I don't believe in God but I am open and ready for whatever the truth is.

Part II

No one believes
does anyone care
this world is cold
is it unfair?

I'm not sure
but my cards are dealt
all I want
is love to be felt

I have love and an open heart
embrace it, love it, before they tear it apart
All I want is love
I'm scared I can't be helped by above

The least of my fears really
I want to live freely
i have my own morals and ethics; what I feel
I feel and live for happiness, for whats real

PANCAKE MIX! Pancake mix! mother fucking pancake mix.

Part III

I am alone once again
I can't bear this with my red pen
I want my blood to flow again
release my pain and blend in

I'm sad I'm lonely I'm scared
I'm afraid this world is too much to bear
I want to stop give up and hide
I can't handle the pain, sadness, frustration inside

I cannot sleep or be alone
I need a plan to condone
but by myself this cannot be
I'm too weak to see

I'm blinded by both darkness and light
I want the energy to this pain fight
but here I sit defeated and low
I want to run, hide and let go

Part IV The suicide letter

fine don't believe me, ignorance is bliss
slow and easy i'll let my blood flow
releasing the pain letting myself go
ahhh the release is relieving
I can finally stop believing
and searching and breaking my brain
all this thinking makes me insane
but once I've drained my veins of life
I'll melt into the grass so green
a meadow so serene
I'll whisper and I"ll sing
sweet songs to the breeze
the words of wonder
and all I can't conquer
the breeze will carry the strength I must let go of
it will float across the fields, valleys and mountains above
and for once the first time for me
my body will be and it will be me
I'll lie there, eyes closed, a part of this world no more
I'll let the rest of you search for more
but I'm going to let go and get out of here
while I have a last breath of peace
of serenity knowing I'm being released
my body is still my lips are blue
the blood flows out I am being renewed
perhaps in the field of flames and desire
a pheonix will come rescue me with his fire
either way this is my plan
and I'm going through with it to another land
even if that land is just the soil
and no more I'll feel the richness of life's oil
no matter this is my choice
so here I lay quietly poised
a dress of blue
and a tear of black
this feeling is true
and I'm not turning back
Goodbye my loves
to all who are mine
tears come and go
hearts mend in time.
This is my life with it I'll do as I choose
Its all a game
we win and we lose.
I fold.
not to lose. but to go.
I'm already bruised and I want out.
I love you I love you there is no doubt.

A Riddle date: mid-april 2011

it begins it doesn't end
always exists
whether we fight it
or enlist
as its follower
we are born with it
we die with it
wars happen because of it
some die
hearts are broken
families ruined
happiness found
forever it is
the one thing we can
believe in...

LOVE.

April 13 2011

The wind came that night unnoticed it swirled and whirled with a whisper of a breeze Darkness settled. By the night and the wind I was encompassed I was touched and blanketed by the moonlight's release Warmly and firmly by the wind I was held fields were torn, animals scared, forests felled, but I was safe within the windstorm's grasp I traveled so still with my heart and hands clasped Safely across the skies we soared above the moon, the stars, and brilliant sunshine the rain it fell, sparkled and poured the wind became a flame the flames burst into ashes and out came a bird, the first of brilliant colors blue red yellow and green such beautiful colors to be seen! I rode on the back of this magnificent bird anew to ride and renew. I'm on my way to where I'm not sure but wherever I go I hope they have kittens who purr The bird he smiled and said good luck He said goodbye and my heart sunk We will meet again he said begin your journey and when it ends I'll be there to see you through become anew and together renew. I walked the ground where my precious friend left me I walked across the sand knocked on a door, I screamed I'm free perhaps. The doorman asked how I got through the gates... I walked right through them I said, so I wouldn't be late... The doorman laughed and brought me in The lighting there was dim I adjusted my eyes but realized, I still saw the skies why there's the door --I've come inside and yet when I look up I see the setting skies to live in a home where the sun is always peaceful, calm and colored ahhh.. I sighed. they brought me in to chairs of real calf skin I waited there and they brought me purple juice. I read some books, kicked my feet, played with my tongue and made my tooth loose. Finally a man came to me, young lady--- Ms. B, come this way its the way to see. I went inside a red red room empty except for a mirror and a happy tune and a chair and an old fashioned light a shadow crossed the empty chair and behind me came a man in white. The other men wore colorful robes I said--where did I go-- The white man nodded and spoke You're here for now Ms. B, sit down. Its here and now and here you are. You made a wish for life and love to take you far You desire good and compassion you want love, happiness and perfect passion. You must keep taking one road then another All the roads are yours if you wish You can love and dream and anything, accomplish You are the beauty in the sea You are the twinkle in the stars to be You are the warmth in summer rain You are precious and accept the blame You are not perfect you make mistakes but you love and desire and give and take She said thank you very much smiled sweetly having his heart touched Back outside the sun was blinding The air hot saved by the breeze She couldn't feel discomfort or misdirection She was her own with her own protection Onward and on, she'll continue through, mountains, valleys, rivers and clouds through the fog and mist and darkness amidst with heart so full across life she'll go where the rivers of love and ecstasy flow.

i think i already posted this lol hahahahaha

All throughout and in and out there's noise and children all about it hurts my ears it hurts my head my words were nothing to those who heard what I said I'm done, I'm sad, I'm running away I'll come back when its a less dreary day I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm mad and fed up I'm running to the mountain and going straight up til I get to the top where I'll breathe and stop I'll breathe and sigh, and look around and back up to the sky the beauty will overwhelm my body and soul I'll be rescued by the freedom, out of this black hole My blue dress flutters in the wind, my hair blows freely I smile and close my eyes finally, at peace completely My chest is light my head is clear, no darkness in this world to fear I feel the dirt between my toes, higher than all the world yet still on dirt I stand I accept the wonder of this place, now I must find someone to take my hand My heart is light, my mind is free, I'm going to be and I'm going to be me I set off to wherever I want to spread love, then rest beneath a pretty tree Under the tree there are red ants so I run and run so fast, I pant The ants they bite and so I run, run and run until I can't Now I'm at a little pond so blue and clelar, of it I'm fond I drink some cold clear water, splash my face, continue onward. So now I'm at the bottom of the hill I've gone and seen the world and still I'm up and down and back again writing this story with my blue pen I went up and down to feel and heal I went up and down to see whats real so now I'm here and I understand We're all friends crossing the quicksand We get happy and mad, silly and sad but we must hold on to each others hands or get caught up and sink as we're busy making plans but just go up and just come down and look at everything all around you can smile and you can cry you can live and die you can run away and then come back you can eat dessert first or always wear black but remember that no matter what you need a hand to hold-- no if or but, and a heart to love, and a soul with which to soar above, above the trees, above the land, all the way above the mountains too You'll soar and fly and love and kiss, for always me and you til we are done and all is true, until our hearts are full and our lips are blue then lay down in the grass to rest, once more whispering you are the best

The Story of the Dandelion and the Shooting Star

I held the weathered flower
in my hand to disappear with my cold
lips and my lips to form a kiss
With a kiss I whisper a blow of my wish
the petals they sparkle
with the stars the whispers fade as they float
remembered only in remembrance, she wrote
her wishes are as free and as real
as the dreams she writes and sees and feels
they'll float into the darkness and the cold
delicately, patiently until its time to go bold
the wishes they erupt with the vision of
a shooting star
once more a way for one to wish from afar.

4/13

The Theory of Beauty

The girl with a freckled face and a skirt of blue and green swirl.

Once there was a little girl
a freckled face
with a skirt of blue and green swirl.
the butterflies and bugs she'd chase.

One day skipping by the pond
she looked down at her reflection.
she looked through her eyes, the waters and beyond
she knew of goodness and redemption

She ran with a smile spread on her face
and spread the happiness she'd learned
she kissed and loved
and accepted and adored
and never judged.

People watched in awe at her
sweet full heart
her innocence and her peace
her acceptance and her sweet speech

They spoke of her for days tot come
and wondered how kindness came
from one so young

They spoke of how one day she looked into the near pond
and looked into the most beautiful eyes and hair of blonde
she saw the beauty in the little girl--
a freckled face with a skirt of blue and green swirl.

4/13/11

4/12/11

Love is in the air
I'm a gypsy traveling to the fair
I can't wait so happy
this poem is sappy
ewwwwwww
anywhooooo
I'm a gypsy with gold rings
I look for pretty golden things
to sell in the fairs
while I sit on broken chairs
yay I'm a gypsy
but I'm sick of being a gypsy
I just want to be a girl
a child.
then I can run and run wild.
I can change my life, my fate
As benjamin button said,
its never too late.
yayy! i can do, say, be, whatever I want!!

4/12/11

I look around at everything.
So happy in my new gray-blue t-shirt.
Pink and gray, pink and green painting colors we fling
make marks with rocks, throw some paint, throw dirt
I don't care if the color is mismatched or uneven
its beautiful, I'm believing.
Forget all bad and all transgressions then,
this sad world I'll come above
gonna be leaving
leave my possessions, bring my soul
shed the layers of delusion
look to the future, the beautiful apparition.
this is no mirage its my beautiful vision.
I have a dream.
I lean on a friend and release my troubles
No need to be uptight
Sick of keeping my heart closed.
I'm ready to go and let go.
I'm ready to cross all my roads on my journey.
I look to the beautiful sunset in the distance,
pink and orange brilliantly clashing
the blue and green of the brilliant turbulent sea.
The air is clean I'm ready to cross the river and the sea
I shed myself of layers and forget my grief
and my loss
what I've lost is nothing that can't be found new
or renewed.
The path is clear but still uneven, I must watch my step.
I imagine beauty everywhere, I look to the sky
and see mittens and kittens in the white fluffy clouds.
I am so happy at peace with myself
beyond the whole world of society and democracy
into the world beyond the letter Z---
a world of happiness where I'm set free,
my own world,
my own heaven if I choose,
the rays of light guide me
so pretty and so pink.
i found the ecstasy beyond happiness.
i see the mountains and want to bathe within the waterfalls
forever I am here, I 'm home, I'm alive, I'm in heaven
the answer is everything,
this is it,
the here and now.
its true, its real,
its ecstasy
i feel it---
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

4/11/11

Life is crazy
life is weird
the horizon is hazy
I'm hanging on to a Jap's beard

This is so intense
Pink
immense
ugly
interesting. deafening.
defining. applying. despising.
All is well and all is good,
lets hang out in the bad neighborhood.
gangsta. thug. This love.
Give me your hug.
The flowers come and go with the season.
the season. the reason.
the season is the reason.

~~~

I hate that poem that I wrote.
I love the cheese that comes from the goat.
I hate the girl in the starbucks store.
She's nice I suppose, but kind've a whore.
I love the girl with amber eyes
and sparkling skin
and dark black hair
into the darkness she'll stare.
I hate the people with lies
its their kind I despise
I love the sun warm on my skin
I hate the pain within.
I love the bright blue sky and cigarettes.
I want to run far away to Mt. Opeechoo. Lets!
Road trip hurray!
We get to drive
We get to smoke
look at the trees and
run from the beehives
before our allergies, us choke.
I love the whistle of the train.
I love the that the things I do are so insane.
I hate the darkness of the souls
hearts left broken, with holes
I love the children playing in the park.
Walking my dog, starstruck in the dark.
I hate the fear of love and closeness
I love the heart and the feelings through
I hate when I get sad and blue
so here's to me, and here's to you,
here's to love, happiness
and the color blue!

~~~

I'm not done writing my feelings aren't through.
This head of mine has a loose screw.
I want to run I want to hide.
I want to find a unicorn and go for a ride.
And smile and scream and run everywhere.
twirling whirling to all the places there.
we'd laugh and smile
and love all the while
then into the clouds to disappear.
and take us to where we are, here.
this is heaven if I choose
or hell, if I've decided to lose.
Every time I fall, I get a bruise
sacrifice, to become the girl on the news.
when will I stop and realize
the beauty of my dream and its demise.

So know your dream
and follow it true
and you'll be you
and you'll be new
and you'll love and love
praise all above.
run from the land of happiness
and into the land of ecstasy
running from the darkness
and to the only emotion to make you free.

I want to break free!
ECSTASY!

Pancake Mix

We were alive. Now we are dead. We are zombies. We are either in heaven or hell, which ever one you choose. Life is what you make it!

pretty sure this is the first poem I ever wrote :)

There is the meadow where I run
There is the fleeting song I’ve sung
There is the wind sent from the sea
There is my smile ‘midst, there is me.

No mind can touch no eye can see
What dwells from sea to sea
The sea of thought seen by only me
It is mine for eternity.

It is my secret, my self indulgence,
My hope for evermore,
Man can ruin a home, burn a fence,
Ruin the making of lore

But none can ever stop a thought
Or steal a sentence, crush a dream
It is why we fight, why all have fought
To let knowledge flow the eternal stream.

Batter a body to breathlessness
Deprive it, make it strive to hunger
Then see if it remains thoughtless
It has a soul, it is no matter.

Feed your mind with waves
Found on a learner’s shore
Give your thirst no time to crave
Become knowledge’s entrusting whore.

The bitterness of the heart

Outweighs the sweetened honey part

The bitterness remains

While the honey is drained

It gives me grief and much loss

When you carry your heart like a cross

You’re saddened and shallow

You’re cruel and hollow

Its not your fault you’ve been blinded

Your actions keep me reminded

I thought you’d always care for me

You ignore my silent plea

I love you and looked to you for that lasting love

I thought you were unable to do anything but love

But now I look at you and wonder where is the love

All I want from you or anyone is love, love, love.

Reflections

I am your drug for
evermore,
it's you and me
or out the door
~~~
The girl is sad.
the mirror reflects.
pain to be had.
heart cursed & hexed.
look at the moon.
say goodnight.
soon.
all will be right.
~~~
Your eyes are big.
your mouth is small.
you are not short.
you are not tall.
your mind is smart.
but always forgets.
you're torn apart.
with the regrets.
but don't relent.
love exists as does your soul.
love and love and you'll be whole.
~~~
Reflections of a tattered girl.
all spins around in a swirl.
she's fallen and broken coming down the
hill.
she'll get back up, they'll give her a
pill.
A circular normal mind-numbing
life.
its not even real without the pain,
leave me alone I'd rather take the
strife.

All throughout and in and out
there's noise and children all about
it hurts my ears, it hurts my head
my words were nothing to those who heard what I said

I'm done, I'm sad, I'm running away
I'll come back when it's a less dreary day
I"m scared, I'm lonely, I"m mad and fed up
I'm running to the mountain and going straight up

till i get to the top where I"ll breathe and stop
I'll breathe and sigh,
look around and back to the sky
the beauty will overwhelm my body and soul
I'll be rescued by the freedom of this black hole

my blue dress flutters in the wind, my hair blows freely
I smile and close my eyes, finally at peace completely
my chest is light my head is clear,
no darkness in this world to fear

I feel the dirt between my toes, higher than all the world, yet still on dirt I stand
I accept the wonder of this place, now I must find someone to hold my hand
my heart is light, my mind is free, I'm going to be and I'm going to be me
I set off to wherever I want to spread love, then rest beneath a pretty tree

under the tree there are red ants so I run and run so fast, I pant
the ants they bite and so I run, run and run until I can't
now I'm at a little pond so blue and clear, of it I'm fond
I drink some cold clear water, splash my face, continue onward

so now I'm at the bottom of the hill
I've gone and seen the world and still
I'm up and down and back again
writing this story with my blue pen

I went up and down to feel and heal
I went up and down to see what's real
so now I'm here and I understand
we're all friends crossing the quicksand

we get happy and mad, silly and sad
but we must hold on to each others hands
or get caught up and sink, while busy making plans
but just go up and just come down
and look at everything all around

you can smile and cry
you can live and die
you can run away and then come back
you can eat dessert first or always wear black

but remember that no matter what
you need a hand to hold-- no if, or but
and a heart to love,
and a soul with which to soar above

above the trees, above the land, all the way above the mountain too
we'll soar and fly and love and kiss, for always, me and you
till we are done and all is true, until our hearts are full and our lips are blue
then lay down in the grass to rest, once more whisper you are the best.

A poem by Amber and Betsy :)

Smiling like a mime at the same time
sitting here trying to find more words to rhyme
divine, align with the sunset and my soul
as me and betsy go swimming in the fishbowl
its all clear but still can't find a way out
so we'll stay tickling and swimming about
we'll tickle and swim till its all ok, then begin and begin again
and run into a spring to fling us to the ocean. Still friends.
Friends at the ocean, pictures, sand, sunshine, yay its a party
So we'll party till we fall. Then we'll wake eat toast smoke cigs and eat a blue smarty
now our tongues are blue and thanks to the ocean we are salty and soaked through
soaked through to our salty souls, betsy lets go back to the fishbowl and renew.
No not the fishbowl! We'll get trapped, how will we escape again?
We won't escape, we'll paint the fishbowl blue, put up our
lawn chairs and be friends till the end.
Yay we're friends painting the fishbowl any color any way, nothing matters, it's all crazy!
Crazy like the swim we swam, turned into spam, ran and ran
saw a man, picked a daisy, jumped back into the fishbowl to be lazy, not mazy
We'll take a trip on a camel's back we'll go to India and meet a black
man with a white beard who will give us tatoos of black and blue tic-tac's.
and we will take our tic tacs and tic tac all
around the world looking for boys and girls, to swirl the
world, into one and begin the fun.
It'll be fun like the milky way, swirling around causing mayhem all day.

Life lost, love gained
he promised wishes
but released pain
wash the dishes
clean the floor
you are mine
you are my whore
give me a kiss, I'll give you a dime
your soul I take, for all time
it was your choice, you relinquished power
give to me, you with gifts, I'll shower
when love can't exist, money buys
love I tell you, is all lies
I can't imagine life without you
you're my rock, my safety too
I sold myself to you and your ways
now I live blankly in a haze
I feel empty robbed of life
my choices have brought unwanted strife
my veins flow evenly without life
my skin is pale, my face is fake
no blood with in my soul I let you take
self-slashing there is no release
my heart, my body will never be at peace.

I lay here, without fear
safely, and with safety, I appear
my smile lifts
my troubles drift
your presence is a distant gift
you let me breathe
and wont no more
please don't leave
this vacant whore
no pressure
no questioning
honesty
imperfections
hold me close
release your peace
finally a positive release
no blood
no drug
no extravagance
just the small
happiness
a chance to laugh.
It's real, its true
because it is the here and now
no longer sad, I don't know how.

I feel so sad and misunderstood
I'd leave this world if I could
I want to run and live unabashed
I don't want this feeling to last

The tears have flowed without hysteria
just softly, continually, barely
my eyes they hurt, my heart it burns
for love, for safety, my soul yearns

I can't explain this world I'm in
I can't describe the pain within
I am who I am, it is what it is
chaotic disdain, or ignorant bliss

To me it's all the same, all pain
I cannot find what I am to gain
not within this hardened heart
in a world where people tear you apart

It begins and begins again
the hurt the pain the sorrow within
every road every turn every song
takes me away and pulls me along

I don't care where I'm going
happy to breathe and sing along
I know I suppressed too much
let it all out so I can be in touch

The road is bumpy and rough
smoothed by music and love
the little things are enough
I see the beauty in the sky above

Time is crazy and all wrong
it's something we formed to drag along
it pisses me off now and then
but the new day begins again

Liberty I have none.
Trapped within a life undone.
This is life all of it,
this and everything is the meaning of it.
Everything.
The skies, the stars, the stories they tell.
Coincidence no such thing
everything
means something.
The people, the places,
and every instance,
circumstance.
The good and bad don't exist
like time doesn't without measurement.

So much running through my head
I just want to go to bed
too quiet, too cold
I want energy to release
happiness in a high state of peace
I want to jump off the walls
with no cares skipping down the halls
right now no energy, but apathy
I'll snap out of it I know I will
but its real and while it lasts it kills

This feeling is so serene
the calming floating of my being
I love to laugh and smile and listen
to be without worry or worsen
I just love all that is, I am who I am
in this place of bliss
I am open like a book
used like a whore or hook
no pimp for me I do my own I work it all, but all alone

Why do Christians group together
try to reach out and convert one another
I know the meaning of life can only be found on your own
not by some rulebook to make you all clones
I'm wondering and wondering the only way to be
if you ever want to breathe again, be free.
life comes in challenging bouts
channeling fears and doubts
love has so much pain
and so much gain
you must never stop searching
to the the leeches from lurching.

Calming into serenity
just let me be and let me be me
I miss Amber and our untold recognition
we're in a place of self-ambition
no lies all love
its a feeling from above
not god but a galaxy
a place to be safe and loved and free
its all I ask for in this crazy hurtful world
a sense of sanity within my insane being
I want to be loved, I'm already all-seeing
life is what it is, as it is
I cannot change the way things are
they remain despite the way I are
this life is love and admonition
not a collaboration of bad situations
can't wait around for life to hit me
have to bring it on and run into the sea
a fish flopping for air on the sand
not where music sings sweetly
but sweetly singing you are to me
to free me and my thoughts into the sea
to a place I can breathe again
out of this cave, this den.

Shit is racing
I'm not pacing
myself I'm too strung
loosen the noose or I'm hung
don't know where I am
or why
looking to the distant sky
cannot process or release
living life, searching for peace
this reality is too much
can't distinguish between dreams
or lust
alone and unnoticed
going crazy into the dust

I feel afloat searching for a distant moat
I need the water to surround my soul
set myself, my spirit afloat
I am escaping this black hole
I see the light, the way out
but there is desert round about
no matter, I'll dream of something more
a land without shame or a battered whore.
I see the sun shining and for once I don't cringe
the road to happiness is an extravagant soulful binge
I can't wait for my renewed adventure,
where to go I'm never sure
just follow the road to the rainbow's life
the land without suffering or strife

I'm getting sleepy, I'm going to sleep sweetly
dreaming of the content, no worries to vent
nothing to bar me from elaborate imagination
a continuation of my happiness celebration
I 'll think of you in fantasy and peace
my fears, my soul are released
of you I'll dream, your smile
the laugh in your eyes, the brown moor along the isle.

Through the flowers comes the song
a fleeting moment all along
flutters through the leaves and trees
through my soul and across the seas

The rays of sun into my yes
loosens the fear of solemn lies
bringing unmatched happiness
the whites of sky and worries less

Across the green valley I lie
watching the neatness of the sky
on edge in person and in mind
flowing forward leaving mountains behind

The love I feel
feels so real
unbelievable
impossible
necessary

Can't go against truth
truth, reality
love, ability, love
compatibility

Life, love, the pursuit
of all things,
happiness
grace
the glory...

Lucid when I hold your hand
elusive in this cold dark land
I feel the distance in your touch
I want you near and I don't need much

Why did you use and excuse that's untrue
whats the real reason you're through
what are your fears, why can't you just say it,
you don't even realize we've got the same shit

We're hurt, we're scared and we don't want love
we just want a friend to speak of
I don't want idle affection
I don't need false protection

lol this one I did title: Everybody's whore

The whore's whirl past as I look with my eye
covered in a patch all I can see is a lie
I lie to hurt, I lie to feel, I lie to think I'm real
It all ends up as a false rendition putting hearts to deposition

Who am I to judge the woman of shame
I'm a whore myself without the fame
I lie and I take whatever I can
I want my body touched by a man

I need the caress and caring hand
he hates me, he hurts me, my heart disbands
I justify and lie, turn the mirror
I am not being used, I am no whore.

i haven't titled any of my poems... hmmm

Painting my face as I go to bed
trying to ignore the racing thoughts in my head
gazing into my own eyes
telling myself inconsistent lies

I smile, see a glimmer of hope
I forget the noose, the rope
glance again with disgust
seeing weakness I cannot trust

The coin is flipped one side to the next
one face then another--seems hexed
a smile, then a tear
comforted, then fear

I reach out with warmth and compassion
then comes the terror, self-slashing
emotional, physical, an influx of emotion
eternal fluctuation in constant motion

At times I find new pain, then release,
at others I numb myself to find peace
neither really satisfies
its all torture and lies

Run my hands across my body, my skin,
I don't recognize this shell I'm in
I know they say beauty is skin deep
but inside I've lost all there is to keep

Don't recognize me out or in
the voice, the words are lost within
the mirror reflects a stranger
this unrecognizable change illuminates danger

Looking at my body and emotions in contempt
where are the stepping stones I too quickly lept
it all went past in a fog, a blur
I need vision and clarity for the future

Struggling with the embrace of scars
its not my fault its written in the stars
thats not true, I did it all myself
but I want to accept the why and get help

Oh yeah.. until I get these up to date I'm going to try to post them chronologically as best I can from old to new..

This is poetry. Hi. :)

Hi. This is my poetry. Old and new. I wish I had dated these but they were all written between December 2010 and through to the current date April 6 2011. From now on everything will be dated since this is a blog yay love, me.