Painting my face as I go to bed
trying to ignore the racing thoughts in my head
gazing into my own eyes
telling myself inconsistent lies
I smile, see a glimmer of hope
I forget the noose, the rope
glance again with disgust
seeing weakness I cannot trust
The coin is flipped one side to the next
one face then another--seems hexed
a smile, then a tear
comforted, then fear
I reach out with warmth and compassion
then comes the terror, self-slashing
emotional, physical, an influx of emotion
eternal fluctuation in constant motion
At times I find new pain, then release,
at others I numb myself to find peace
neither really satisfies
its all torture and lies
Run my hands across my body, my skin,
I don't recognize this shell I'm in
I know they say beauty is skin deep
but inside I've lost all there is to keep
Don't recognize me out or in
the voice, the words are lost within
the mirror reflects a stranger
this unrecognizable change illuminates danger
Looking at my body and emotions in contempt
where are the stepping stones I too quickly lept
it all went past in a fog, a blur
I need vision and clarity for the future
Struggling with the embrace of scars
its not my fault its written in the stars
thats not true, I did it all myself
but I want to accept the why and get help
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