.. but it will be a good day 'cause i'll wear my
new jeans, no shoes, hair crazy, tatoos...
live it up and let it out
gangsta thug gotta shout
its another day in tye dye may
call my friends gotta play
smoke your smoke n drink ur drink
give me time to stop n think
shit is real and its to feel
fuckin love this life so real

chillin down 'round my town
lookin out shit goes down
shinin from head to toe
all this glitter is real gold
not a copy like you've been told
i'm real to the bone
not some fuckin poser clone
walkin with my girls behind me
boys turnin to look and see
checkin out what they can't have
i turn tease smile and laugh
no shame this body's rockin
boys on the block flockin

Once I was an Avocado ---here is a story I wrote at the end of March 2011

Once I was an avocado. Vulnerable and I grew from a tree. Then if no one picked me I would drop my seed into the ground and grow another tree. But a man came along one day... and saw me and picked me. He saw my softened flesh and the scars of a weathered life. He did not mind the leeches that crawled in and out, the worms that left their mark. He only looked at me and did not say a word. I wondered but I knew no questions would be answered. He just carried me by his side almost forgotten in his hand. I looked ahead but could not see, I closed my eyes and felt at peace. My thoughts still raced and I knew what all this meant.. I had the knowledge but I did not have the understanding yet. But at peace, I knew I would in time, and so I waited. He carried me across the sand, barefoot and a tan man. We stopped as the darkness came, we sat outside a cave and he built a fire. He set me down next to him and he glanced at me when he thought I wasn't looking.. I saw him in his eyes. He took a knife and whistled. He carved a small piece of wood. He sang to me and smiled. I fell asleep. The sun came up and we continued on. In the middle of the day we stopped and saw three sticks on the sand. They were in the shape of an X with one horizontal through the middle. A black bird with an injured eye walked across our path. Beside the sticks there was a blue stone. He picked it up and we kept walking. The heat was heavy, thick and wet. His hand became sweaty on my skin. He never flinched or slowed down just kept walking now tossing the blue stone in the air. A few hours later he paused. Perhaps he was tired. He sat down and I saw sadness in his eyes. I saw his stories as I looked at him, so compassionate was his soul but so battered was his body by the people who should have loved him and supported him. He helped others, but in vain, they never knew, cared or noticed. A tear formed and rolled down his dry sunburned cheek. A girl walked in our direction. At first I could not see her with the sun glaring in my eyes, but immediately I felt fear. She knows and she will grind her salt into my wounds. She wore a gown of light blue and black. I felt the fear and I knew the worst of her, my skin dried up and my meat cringed from my skin. I was drained of life, becoming dry and tasteless. She told the man words he longed to hear, I feared what she could do tear out my soul and his together… tear out his soul and make him take mine too. My man did not waver from his path, she did darken his heart, but he knew, picked me up, brushed past her touch that looked so sweet, he knew, and did not need to look back, as he turned she disintegrated into salt. I felt like I was losing grip but it helped to know that my man was stronger than myself, for he carried me, and he I could trust. So once again, I was at peace as we went on our way. Three days passed and we walked. On the third day it was dusk and the man was thirsty but he did not drink. There was no water without salt and so he was better off not drinking at all. He squeezed the stone and his veins remained blue and healthy. He did not know this but he felt life flowing within him. He set me down in the shadow and protection of a rock. Once again we were outside a cave. He laid down on his back and rested his head on his arms. A voice spoke to him in his sleep. To him it was just a voice but his eyes were closed and he was asleep so he could not see the man. I watched, the man was old in his skin but very young within. He gave the man hope, fearlessness, and took the weight off his shoulders. He gave him wisdom, comfort, and safety. This man looked at me and did not speak. He dropped honey onto my soul. The honey melted the salt and healed my wounds and I felt no pain. It was morning the man felt light and we walked with more speed. He kept walking and never slowed. I watched the sand as we went on. Bones were scattered and he did not notice. All along our path I saw the skeletons of everyone and I knew them. Some had finished their lives and others had life taken before they were ready. He held the blue stone tight and his feet felt determination on the uneasy sand. We left the dryness of the sand and came upon trees and the sun shone through the leaves. The trees were good and rich and wet with syrup. They healed the man and whispered encouragement to his soul. He did not notice the new atmosphere, or the wind or the easiness of his breath. He breathed evenly and without trying. We kept walking and came to a valley. Ahead we could see the mountains of rock and water. The water was cold and thick and pure. He stood in the valley and looked all around him. Now aware of his surroundings he felt emotion and smiled, he held me tighter and gave me the hope he was given. He spoke to me for the first time. He told me we could swim in the water and it would carry us to the mountains. He told me we could walk and the ground would carry us also. I knew he was not ready for the turbulence of the water and asked him to remain on the steadiness of the grass. He listened and knew this would take more time but he knew it was the way. He began walking and knew it was still day but he stopped. He laid down in the grass, not weary but at peace and he wanted it to last. I could not rest but looked around as my man slept. I saw things and I listened. Everything spoke to me and I listened. As I listened I understood. Knowledge and understanding. I was going to lose this man for some time. But it had to be and although I felt sadness I was renewed. As the sun set he awoke. He was ready and continued walking with me in his left hand and his blue stone in his right. He held us both and looked straight ahead. He had given to me all that he could but he had to go his way and let me find mine. We were not the same but we understood. We crossed the valley and our first hill. He held me sweetly and told me words to last forever within me. I asked him what will happen to my seed and he said he did not know. But as he answered me we came to a field of honeysuckle. He said this field is rich and sweet in its soil and here I may plant my seed. Among the blossoms of sweet honey he said my richness and my oil would flourish and my seed would plant one tree and then another. And among all of my trees the honey would replenish my soul and run through my trees and then honey would sweeten my syrup. I knew the words he spoke and he said he must go and find his own honey and plant his own seed with his richness and his oil. I knew his life and I knew his soul and I knew all that he said. He walked carefully among the blossoms and they welcomed me and they were all at peace. He set me down in the north and the left of the field. He told me the sun shone the right amount in this spot and would watch over me and warm me. As he set me down I became the dust although not dust because I was rich with honey and oil. And my seed was planted and he walked away.

tye dye may 8 2011

its a tye-dye day
i'm going away
to paint away the day
on mothers day
cause i don't celebrate
my momma i don't hate
but she's not mine anymore
but i'm happy today i'm no whore
i even have a boyfriend but he never opens the door
little shit
little tye-dye shit of yellow orange and blue
can't wait for this day to follow through
i love it, its all mine, its all about me if i want
bob marley i love and its the sheriff not the deputy he shot
i love everything especially amber
she is the best just like the gem of amber
and its beauty with gleaming golden and rays of green
freckles of black and yellow to be seen
like his eyes with freckles too
ok i need to go and go do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay

May 2011

Hello,

My name is Wham-bam.
They call me that cause of my ghetto booty.

Every time
she walked
through the door
it went wham!
then shut closed, bam!

april 2011

Ok ok
I'm not running
all this is
starting not to be funny

fuck me, screw me over
I lose you win but you
lose your soul

fuck me, screw me over
I lose you win but you
lose your heart
no love can enter
the heart encased
with chains

so just be honest with me
loosen your chains
or don't
whatever you feel
as long as its real

4/27/11

I am what I am and that's
all that I know
I'm here I want to get better
I want to grow
I don't understand
sometimes I don't care
I want to hold a hand
alone, I feel so bare.

I cried today and am apathetic
my stomache hurts its so pathetic
I hate these feelings
I can't keep dealing
I know the truth of hopefulness
but reality today is I have less
less love, less people,
I am alone
I want someone
I want a home
a place to feel safe
I want away from the hate
my heart hurts
my stomach hurts
my soul is empty
for love and peace it yearns
thats all I want
happiness
a way out of this mess
I'm so alone
I'm so scared
I can't sleep alone
I can't be alone
the fear overwhelms me
my thoughts of release
comfort my soul
put me at peace
I dreamed of laying
with my last breath
releasing all my
life unkempt
I'm free, I'm at peace
alone, but not in this world
just me in the dirt, my bones.

4/22/11 a 4 part poem with the 4th part as a suicide letter

Part I

The wind it blows carrying peace
I feel the sting without release
I'm cold through to my blood and bones
regardless of the truth I am alone

The truth however reveals the lonesome soul
you can't idealize or prevent such a black hole
I want to be calm and let it all take its course
but I'm scared to move, screaming inside, becoming hoarse

I'm not finding the happy conclusion
I refuse to accept a false illusion
I know the time will get me through
I know there's more than a sad ocean's blue

Everyday I try to take a step forward
letting go, coming through, and toward
the beauty the peace the serenity and beyond
the ecstasy beyond happiness to love and bond

P.S. I don't believe in God but I am open and ready for whatever the truth is.

Part II

No one believes
does anyone care
this world is cold
is it unfair?

I'm not sure
but my cards are dealt
all I want
is love to be felt

I have love and an open heart
embrace it, love it, before they tear it apart
All I want is love
I'm scared I can't be helped by above

The least of my fears really
I want to live freely
i have my own morals and ethics; what I feel
I feel and live for happiness, for whats real

PANCAKE MIX! Pancake mix! mother fucking pancake mix.

Part III

I am alone once again
I can't bear this with my red pen
I want my blood to flow again
release my pain and blend in

I'm sad I'm lonely I'm scared
I'm afraid this world is too much to bear
I want to stop give up and hide
I can't handle the pain, sadness, frustration inside

I cannot sleep or be alone
I need a plan to condone
but by myself this cannot be
I'm too weak to see

I'm blinded by both darkness and light
I want the energy to this pain fight
but here I sit defeated and low
I want to run, hide and let go

Part IV The suicide letter

fine don't believe me, ignorance is bliss
slow and easy i'll let my blood flow
releasing the pain letting myself go
ahhh the release is relieving
I can finally stop believing
and searching and breaking my brain
all this thinking makes me insane
but once I've drained my veins of life
I'll melt into the grass so green
a meadow so serene
I'll whisper and I"ll sing
sweet songs to the breeze
the words of wonder
and all I can't conquer
the breeze will carry the strength I must let go of
it will float across the fields, valleys and mountains above
and for once the first time for me
my body will be and it will be me
I'll lie there, eyes closed, a part of this world no more
I'll let the rest of you search for more
but I'm going to let go and get out of here
while I have a last breath of peace
of serenity knowing I'm being released
my body is still my lips are blue
the blood flows out I am being renewed
perhaps in the field of flames and desire
a pheonix will come rescue me with his fire
either way this is my plan
and I'm going through with it to another land
even if that land is just the soil
and no more I'll feel the richness of life's oil
no matter this is my choice
so here I lay quietly poised
a dress of blue
and a tear of black
this feeling is true
and I'm not turning back
Goodbye my loves
to all who are mine
tears come and go
hearts mend in time.
This is my life with it I'll do as I choose
Its all a game
we win and we lose.
I fold.
not to lose. but to go.
I'm already bruised and I want out.
I love you I love you there is no doubt.

A Riddle date: mid-april 2011

it begins it doesn't end
always exists
whether we fight it
or enlist
as its follower
we are born with it
we die with it
wars happen because of it
some die
hearts are broken
families ruined
happiness found
forever it is
the one thing we can
believe in...

LOVE.