4/22/11 a 4 part poem with the 4th part as a suicide letter

Part I

The wind it blows carrying peace
I feel the sting without release
I'm cold through to my blood and bones
regardless of the truth I am alone

The truth however reveals the lonesome soul
you can't idealize or prevent such a black hole
I want to be calm and let it all take its course
but I'm scared to move, screaming inside, becoming hoarse

I'm not finding the happy conclusion
I refuse to accept a false illusion
I know the time will get me through
I know there's more than a sad ocean's blue

Everyday I try to take a step forward
letting go, coming through, and toward
the beauty the peace the serenity and beyond
the ecstasy beyond happiness to love and bond

P.S. I don't believe in God but I am open and ready for whatever the truth is.

Part II

No one believes
does anyone care
this world is cold
is it unfair?

I'm not sure
but my cards are dealt
all I want
is love to be felt

I have love and an open heart
embrace it, love it, before they tear it apart
All I want is love
I'm scared I can't be helped by above

The least of my fears really
I want to live freely
i have my own morals and ethics; what I feel
I feel and live for happiness, for whats real

PANCAKE MIX! Pancake mix! mother fucking pancake mix.

Part III

I am alone once again
I can't bear this with my red pen
I want my blood to flow again
release my pain and blend in

I'm sad I'm lonely I'm scared
I'm afraid this world is too much to bear
I want to stop give up and hide
I can't handle the pain, sadness, frustration inside

I cannot sleep or be alone
I need a plan to condone
but by myself this cannot be
I'm too weak to see

I'm blinded by both darkness and light
I want the energy to this pain fight
but here I sit defeated and low
I want to run, hide and let go

Part IV The suicide letter

fine don't believe me, ignorance is bliss
slow and easy i'll let my blood flow
releasing the pain letting myself go
ahhh the release is relieving
I can finally stop believing
and searching and breaking my brain
all this thinking makes me insane
but once I've drained my veins of life
I'll melt into the grass so green
a meadow so serene
I'll whisper and I"ll sing
sweet songs to the breeze
the words of wonder
and all I can't conquer
the breeze will carry the strength I must let go of
it will float across the fields, valleys and mountains above
and for once the first time for me
my body will be and it will be me
I'll lie there, eyes closed, a part of this world no more
I'll let the rest of you search for more
but I'm going to let go and get out of here
while I have a last breath of peace
of serenity knowing I'm being released
my body is still my lips are blue
the blood flows out I am being renewed
perhaps in the field of flames and desire
a pheonix will come rescue me with his fire
either way this is my plan
and I'm going through with it to another land
even if that land is just the soil
and no more I'll feel the richness of life's oil
no matter this is my choice
so here I lay quietly poised
a dress of blue
and a tear of black
this feeling is true
and I'm not turning back
Goodbye my loves
to all who are mine
tears come and go
hearts mend in time.
This is my life with it I'll do as I choose
Its all a game
we win and we lose.
I fold.
not to lose. but to go.
I'm already bruised and I want out.
I love you I love you there is no doubt.