ok i have to write so i'm going to

because i don't understand this mess i'm going through

its weird and its crazy and at the least fucked up

you'd think 3 years or sixteen would be enough

but its been one and two and then twenty two

its too much and i'm done with it, with being its fool

so here i am on my new year's day

i'm hoping this past will somehow go away

but who knows how could i do anything different

i've been up and down and this is how it went

ridiculous and

the racing of my beating heart
isn't because its torn apart
its mostly that i'm allergic
to you, you just make me sick

my hands they tremble with disgust
with you I wouldn't want the weather to discuss
my stomache twisted with shock
the human race causes hearts to lock

its temporary that i'll be a bit hurt
i can't help it, i love wearing your shirt
but to let a lesser crush my fragility
would be against my morals and agility

then again, i'm human too
and so i'll admit that I loved you
i just don't have time for petty disdain
i don't have time for you to cause me pain

you've hurt me now and I cry my tears
you've confirmed my darkest fears
the fear that someone so special to this world
could let emotions and others foolishness unfurl

I know in years you'll see who you've wronged
i hope your existing guilt won't now be prolonged
because in all your an asshole now
someday you'll learn to love and how

you'll be as wonderful as you are meant to
you'll be solid, amazing and a leader through
you'll forget that being young made your head spin
you'll have a strong heart and you won't be spread thin

I hate that even in your darkest actions
full of purposeful hate and hurt
i still know and know you well
you'll be someone, with a story to tell

the end. i just really needed to feel better :) sigh

someday I'll get this off my mind
someday I'll get what I am to find
someday it'll drop and unwind
someday i won't be so blind
someday I'll get and give kind
someday I'll be out of this bind

someday the light will more than darkness shine
someday the stars and the sunsets will align
someday the inconceivable will be mine
someday I'll cross and not just walk the line
someday this disease will become benign
someday this will all become divine

someday the weight will turn from brick to feather
someday I'll find the place with warmer weather
someday i won't be another soul's debtor
someday the light, the gleam will shelve together
someday my heart won't be bound with chains and leather
someday the honey will heal the salted wounds to be better

someday.

someday the truth will fill my soul
someday the breath will release this black hole
someday the love will be enough
someday I'll be gentle and not need to be tough
someday the salt won't hurt these wounds
someday the scars will melt by the moons

someday your lips will drip with honey
someday instead of greed and shunning
someday you'll grow and encompass light
someday we'll give up a need to fight
someday we'll share a view of beauty
someday share peace in its entirety

someday the happiness behind her eyes
will show all truth beauty and no lies
someday she'll never have to hide
or keep her tears or joy inside
someday she'll tell you whispers of the wind
someday she, you and love will all begin.

.. but it will be a good day 'cause i'll wear my
new jeans, no shoes, hair crazy, tatoos...
live it up and let it out
gangsta thug gotta shout
its another day in tye dye may
call my friends gotta play
smoke your smoke n drink ur drink
give me time to stop n think
shit is real and its to feel
fuckin love this life so real

chillin down 'round my town
lookin out shit goes down
shinin from head to toe
all this glitter is real gold
not a copy like you've been told
i'm real to the bone
not some fuckin poser clone
walkin with my girls behind me
boys turnin to look and see
checkin out what they can't have
i turn tease smile and laugh
no shame this body's rockin
boys on the block flockin

Once I was an Avocado ---here is a story I wrote at the end of March 2011

Once I was an avocado. Vulnerable and I grew from a tree. Then if no one picked me I would drop my seed into the ground and grow another tree. But a man came along one day... and saw me and picked me. He saw my softened flesh and the scars of a weathered life. He did not mind the leeches that crawled in and out, the worms that left their mark. He only looked at me and did not say a word. I wondered but I knew no questions would be answered. He just carried me by his side almost forgotten in his hand. I looked ahead but could not see, I closed my eyes and felt at peace. My thoughts still raced and I knew what all this meant.. I had the knowledge but I did not have the understanding yet. But at peace, I knew I would in time, and so I waited. He carried me across the sand, barefoot and a tan man. We stopped as the darkness came, we sat outside a cave and he built a fire. He set me down next to him and he glanced at me when he thought I wasn't looking.. I saw him in his eyes. He took a knife and whistled. He carved a small piece of wood. He sang to me and smiled. I fell asleep. The sun came up and we continued on. In the middle of the day we stopped and saw three sticks on the sand. They were in the shape of an X with one horizontal through the middle. A black bird with an injured eye walked across our path. Beside the sticks there was a blue stone. He picked it up and we kept walking. The heat was heavy, thick and wet. His hand became sweaty on my skin. He never flinched or slowed down just kept walking now tossing the blue stone in the air. A few hours later he paused. Perhaps he was tired. He sat down and I saw sadness in his eyes. I saw his stories as I looked at him, so compassionate was his soul but so battered was his body by the people who should have loved him and supported him. He helped others, but in vain, they never knew, cared or noticed. A tear formed and rolled down his dry sunburned cheek. A girl walked in our direction. At first I could not see her with the sun glaring in my eyes, but immediately I felt fear. She knows and she will grind her salt into my wounds. She wore a gown of light blue and black. I felt the fear and I knew the worst of her, my skin dried up and my meat cringed from my skin. I was drained of life, becoming dry and tasteless. She told the man words he longed to hear, I feared what she could do tear out my soul and his together… tear out his soul and make him take mine too. My man did not waver from his path, she did darken his heart, but he knew, picked me up, brushed past her touch that looked so sweet, he knew, and did not need to look back, as he turned she disintegrated into salt. I felt like I was losing grip but it helped to know that my man was stronger than myself, for he carried me, and he I could trust. So once again, I was at peace as we went on our way. Three days passed and we walked. On the third day it was dusk and the man was thirsty but he did not drink. There was no water without salt and so he was better off not drinking at all. He squeezed the stone and his veins remained blue and healthy. He did not know this but he felt life flowing within him. He set me down in the shadow and protection of a rock. Once again we were outside a cave. He laid down on his back and rested his head on his arms. A voice spoke to him in his sleep. To him it was just a voice but his eyes were closed and he was asleep so he could not see the man. I watched, the man was old in his skin but very young within. He gave the man hope, fearlessness, and took the weight off his shoulders. He gave him wisdom, comfort, and safety. This man looked at me and did not speak. He dropped honey onto my soul. The honey melted the salt and healed my wounds and I felt no pain. It was morning the man felt light and we walked with more speed. He kept walking and never slowed. I watched the sand as we went on. Bones were scattered and he did not notice. All along our path I saw the skeletons of everyone and I knew them. Some had finished their lives and others had life taken before they were ready. He held the blue stone tight and his feet felt determination on the uneasy sand. We left the dryness of the sand and came upon trees and the sun shone through the leaves. The trees were good and rich and wet with syrup. They healed the man and whispered encouragement to his soul. He did not notice the new atmosphere, or the wind or the easiness of his breath. He breathed evenly and without trying. We kept walking and came to a valley. Ahead we could see the mountains of rock and water. The water was cold and thick and pure. He stood in the valley and looked all around him. Now aware of his surroundings he felt emotion and smiled, he held me tighter and gave me the hope he was given. He spoke to me for the first time. He told me we could swim in the water and it would carry us to the mountains. He told me we could walk and the ground would carry us also. I knew he was not ready for the turbulence of the water and asked him to remain on the steadiness of the grass. He listened and knew this would take more time but he knew it was the way. He began walking and knew it was still day but he stopped. He laid down in the grass, not weary but at peace and he wanted it to last. I could not rest but looked around as my man slept. I saw things and I listened. Everything spoke to me and I listened. As I listened I understood. Knowledge and understanding. I was going to lose this man for some time. But it had to be and although I felt sadness I was renewed. As the sun set he awoke. He was ready and continued walking with me in his left hand and his blue stone in his right. He held us both and looked straight ahead. He had given to me all that he could but he had to go his way and let me find mine. We were not the same but we understood. We crossed the valley and our first hill. He held me sweetly and told me words to last forever within me. I asked him what will happen to my seed and he said he did not know. But as he answered me we came to a field of honeysuckle. He said this field is rich and sweet in its soil and here I may plant my seed. Among the blossoms of sweet honey he said my richness and my oil would flourish and my seed would plant one tree and then another. And among all of my trees the honey would replenish my soul and run through my trees and then honey would sweeten my syrup. I knew the words he spoke and he said he must go and find his own honey and plant his own seed with his richness and his oil. I knew his life and I knew his soul and I knew all that he said. He walked carefully among the blossoms and they welcomed me and they were all at peace. He set me down in the north and the left of the field. He told me the sun shone the right amount in this spot and would watch over me and warm me. As he set me down I became the dust although not dust because I was rich with honey and oil. And my seed was planted and he walked away.

tye dye may 8 2011

its a tye-dye day
i'm going away
to paint away the day
on mothers day
cause i don't celebrate
my momma i don't hate
but she's not mine anymore
but i'm happy today i'm no whore
i even have a boyfriend but he never opens the door
little shit
little tye-dye shit of yellow orange and blue
can't wait for this day to follow through
i love it, its all mine, its all about me if i want
bob marley i love and its the sheriff not the deputy he shot
i love everything especially amber
she is the best just like the gem of amber
and its beauty with gleaming golden and rays of green
freckles of black and yellow to be seen
like his eyes with freckles too
ok i need to go and go do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay

May 2011

Hello,

My name is Wham-bam.
They call me that cause of my ghetto booty.

Every time
she walked
through the door
it went wham!
then shut closed, bam!